Taste Me, Taste Me

An odious campaign

Look at the claims made of any product you buy.  They’re nuts, aren’t they?  Sure, they have to say some things that are legitimate: Coca-Cola is fizzy; soap smells good; toothpaste combats plaque if you use it regularly and floss; cereal will start your day.

Equally true: cola is a great rust remover; soap leaves disgusting residue on your skin;  toothpaste is no better than an apple and a toothpick; and literally anything - including scotch, an explosion, or an alarm clock – can start your day.

As an advertising major, I didn’t much care about the boasts made by product manufacturers and their mouthpieces. The goal was to sell the thing - not do a big fat mea culpa.  My parents chose that job for me, and I needed to crush it.  Which I did.

“Truth in advertising” was as laughable a concern then, akin to recent calls for getting money out of politics. C’mon, man!

I was in the shower when inspired to write this little effort.  You know how it is: if you’re not Ray Romano*, you’re looking for something to pass the time while the conditioner is doing its two-to-four-minute miracle restoration, so you reach for your product bottles to confirm they’re going to make you thick and glossy (they don’t).  All of mine had “volumizing” as a guaranteed positive outcome.  SOLD!  You’d think I’d have known better, being fully aware of and on board with ad language.  Confession:  I won an award in sophomore year for coming up with a campaign for Perrier called “Liquid Diamond”: How would a liquid diamond taste?**  No other text, no “sell”, just a header and a BIG close-up visual of a Perrier bottle’s effervescent bubbles and its label.

Got an A+.

Years later, when I became a mother, my formerly very thick, dark blonde hair became thin and sad (see my Substack on Hairspray Black Lung).  I’m embarrassed that I was just as vulnerable to the marketing language in which I was trained and used throughout my early professional career in lying, and at which I was very good (Lynne Truss should intervene here with use of commas, but I hope I’ve done her proud).

Wellll, we’re human, and want to be convinced of things, don’t we?  And that’s the power of the message, but not The Message.  The latter is important to embrace, and simple.  But it’s hard.  The message, the rhetoric, the narrative, the paid-for noise - that’s easy.  It’s the human question and redemption offered by the latter that I seek and hope to attain.

First step: I suggest that advertising is the second oldest profession.

*See “Dr. Katz”.

** I edited this because I remembered the line I used in the campaign was this shorter version.